Less
After a long, long week of wonderfully internal time, slow quiet mornings and a few days of being really sick, I’m re-entering this new year with less.
Yes, less.
A little less weight from being sick, but also less looking, less sense of internal chaos, less wanting.
A great load has been lifted from how I experience life. And, with the lifting of this load, there is a marked experience of less veiling, less pushing, and less of a need to search for something that never was attainable.
None of this was necessarily a beautiful spiritual experience. Ha. I suppose there is such a thing. Yes, I suppose I have had them. But I don’t want to make it sound like this was all grace and light and beauty. It was painful. And that pain was beautiful, is beautiful. It was real. I felt things I had stuffed for eons, things I didn’t want to feel, but finally came to realize there was no avoiding it if I wanted to know peace…and be free.
I saw things about myself that aren’t pretty, ways I can be, ways I have been with others, ways I hold myself back: self-righteousness, jealousy, wanting to be special, wanting to be wanted, and how damn careful I can be…
In being with these parts of myself, really being with them with love, I came to see that at the heart of each of these unskillful habits is a pearl, a little gem of goodness and truth that was the seed of what grew into behavior was absolutely necessary at the time and saved my little psyche. AND, as an adult this behavior certainly wasn’t helpful in my relationships with others or with myself.
Shedding, unfurling, letting go…all beautiful acts of both persistence and grace.
Speaking of Unfurling
I’d love for you to take a look at this interview I did with Amy Kessel, ACC, a coach and simply a beautiful woman. Video is not my favorite form of communicating, but with Amy it was a lot of fun. She has a gracious presence that drew me in from the moment I first met her by Skype.
Her question of me and other women is, How are you unfurling? A lovely question. I think it’s a great one for all of us to ask ourselves.
While at Amy’s site, check out her other interviews on unfurling with Jennifer Louden, Ronna Detrick, and Kate Courageous.
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Happy New Year!
Julie
These last two posts have been so full of depth, heart, and beauty, Julie – as always. But even more, somehow.
I’m honored to be mentioned here – certainly as part of Amy’s Unfurling series – but also as one alongside and in relationship with you. Thank you.
May the year ahead offer you opportunity to acknowledge and know fulfillment of all your desires. They are beautiful to behold – and worthy.
Beautiful Julie, I am sad to read you’ve been sick, but sistar, what evocative wisdom you have gleaned from those depths. Your words speak so clear and true. Thank you for being you – for sharing the heart and soul of your being. You have touched me this day in a way I won’t soon forget. With love, Leesa
I love the way you express this – it’s a perfect example of what self-love is all about – owning and embracing ALL parts, not the light fluffy bits that we like. Beautiful love Mx
it is a wonderful question, and it is an honor and a treat to witness your unfurling, sugar.
Beautiful. It’s so important that we recognize and love those parts of ourselves we’d rather forget. They’ll always be there, haunting us, even (and maybe even especially) when we try to push them away. Embracing them and understanding them certainly brings more peace to our chaotic minds & lives! Happy to hear you’ve made progress, Julie :]
xo,
Allyssa
This really echoes my midwinter experience in so many ways Julie… only I didn’t reach this point of awareness until today. In fact I might even have been at the depths of the pain of it the day you posted, my birthday – I’m sure there were solar return reasons for that!
I’m reminded of the Nisgardatta quote you posted recently which I can’t seem to find, but which I copied when you wrote it, because my experience has shown me many times that these individual epiphanies, these exits from the chrysalis of growth fed-by-our-own-decomposing-matter, really do change the whole matrix of humanity.
Much love to you xo